I'm supposed to be writing my article for the paper, I have an assignment due today and I haven't started. When I sat down in front of my computer I looked at the date... I heard Louisa, who was eating her breakfast, say "I thought you were going to write?". Yeah, I thought I was too - but then I saw it, that date.
It's supposed to be my 16th wedding anniversary, instead it's the 7th month that I have been separated. Honestly I wanted to cry, instead I did what I have been doing since we left - I pushed it down and moved on.
I have so many things I want to say, but it's too damn painful to say them. I want to scream, I want to hit something, I want to cry; I'm afraid if I do any of those things I might not stop. 20 years is a lot of memories to try to keep out.
The one thing I didn't understand about being divorced is you mourn for what you had and what you could have had. For months after we moved out I would see other families and found I was jealous for what they had, no matter how flawed. They had what I wanted and what my kids didn't have anymore.
You never know what will happen in life, nothing is a sure thing. I thought I did it the right way; we weren't kids rushing into anything, Matt and I dated for 5 years before we marched down the aisle. It still wasn't enough.
The kids are spending the weekend with their Dad and I plan to spend it by myself - I have those assignments to do. It's possible I might finally let go of all the emotions I'm keeping bottled up.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Finding our new normal
This past year has been shitty, there is no way to soft peddle that fact. My kids have seen their parent's marriage dissolve, had to move out of the only home they've ever known and are dealing with their mother trying to hold down three jobs while juggling homeschool. To say their world has been turned upside down would be an understatement.
This is all new territory for us and we are navigating the only way we know how, by sheer force and determination. There have been days when the only thing I wanted to do was stay in bed and give in; but I didn't. I got up and even though I might not have gotten dressed when convention tells most of us we should, I eventually did.
Asking children under the age of 13 to understand grown up issues such as divorce is to say the least asinine. Hell I don't know what happened most of the time - how can I expect them to handle this information? There have been some hiccups, we've re-adjusted and kept going. I'm not saying any of it is perfect, honestly most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing.
There is one thing that keeps me going though - my kids, it's that simple. They are everything to me and I will do whatever I need to do to give them a happy life.
Recently my son was talking to his gamer friends on Skype and I passed his bedroom and threw out a smart-ass comment - I have no idea what I said but I heard him laugh and say "Yeah, she is". What? What am I?
Why I wondered? What had he told a group of kids he had never met in real life about his mother to make them think I was cool? I have NEVER been cool! Never, not in school, n.e.v.e.r.
I asked him later what won me the "cool mom" title. He said he told his friends about me and they think it's great I talk to him and he can talk to me. I care about what he think and ask his opinion often. I may loose my shit and yell sometimes but I always come back and talk about what went wrong and will apologize if necessary.
It's the one thing I said I would do if I was ever a mother. I may screw up a million different ways but I am at least - without even knowing it - holding up my end of the bargain I made with myself all those years ago.
We took the summer off from school, something we usually don't do but now it's time to get back to work and figure out what that new normal is. I might not be the first normal we find or even the second (or third); it's going to take time but I have that. And as long as I have my kids to keep that time with we will figure it out. We will find normal again.
This is all new territory for us and we are navigating the only way we know how, by sheer force and determination. There have been days when the only thing I wanted to do was stay in bed and give in; but I didn't. I got up and even though I might not have gotten dressed when convention tells most of us we should, I eventually did.
Asking children under the age of 13 to understand grown up issues such as divorce is to say the least asinine. Hell I don't know what happened most of the time - how can I expect them to handle this information? There have been some hiccups, we've re-adjusted and kept going. I'm not saying any of it is perfect, honestly most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing.
There is one thing that keeps me going though - my kids, it's that simple. They are everything to me and I will do whatever I need to do to give them a happy life.
Recently my son was talking to his gamer friends on Skype and I passed his bedroom and threw out a smart-ass comment - I have no idea what I said but I heard him laugh and say "Yeah, she is". What? What am I?
"My friends think you're cool"
Why I wondered? What had he told a group of kids he had never met in real life about his mother to make them think I was cool? I have NEVER been cool! Never, not in school, n.e.v.e.r.
I asked him later what won me the "cool mom" title. He said he told his friends about me and they think it's great I talk to him and he can talk to me. I care about what he think and ask his opinion often. I may loose my shit and yell sometimes but I always come back and talk about what went wrong and will apologize if necessary.
It's the one thing I said I would do if I was ever a mother. I may screw up a million different ways but I am at least - without even knowing it - holding up my end of the bargain I made with myself all those years ago.
We took the summer off from school, something we usually don't do but now it's time to get back to work and figure out what that new normal is. I might not be the first normal we find or even the second (or third); it's going to take time but I have that. And as long as I have my kids to keep that time with we will figure it out. We will find normal again.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
A new beginning
They say life is a journey. When I go on a trip I don't usually like to travel on the interstate going from point A to point B. I like to go on the back roads, sometimes driving aimlessly along the twisting and turning roads getting to the final destination but making stops and changes along the way.
Why did I think life would be one endless interstate road getting me to where I was going then? I knew there would be bumps along the way, I just didn't know that my life would take the complete U turn it's taken this past year. I didn't know I would have to rethink what I wanted and how I was going to get it. I've learned a lot through my journey but the most important thing I've learn is how strong I am and when faced with a hard decision I didn't cave, didn't curl up in a ball. Like Jed Bartlet I just keep asking "What's next".
I don't think it's wise to lay my dirty laundry out on the table for the world to see but I will tell you - I was in a bad place and my marriage was crumbling around me. I tried for several years to put it back on track, I just couldn't do it alone. So after doing all I could to work it out I decided it would be better for all of us to walk away. This is no easy task for a stay at home mom who hasn't worked a full time job in almost 13 years. It all started with a chance run in with a past co-worker, "You know they want you to come back to preschool" she said. And from that a seed was planted and I stared to take it one step at a time, until I had a plan.
In March the kids and I moved into a house 1/4 of the size of my wonderful old Foursquare - god I miss that house. I'm working 3 jobs now and still homeschooling my kids. It's been a hard year for all of us but we are trying to find our new normal, we aren't there yet but we will be. I have to be confident that things will be okay, what choice do I have really? My kids are counting on me and they are watching me, learning from me. I need to show them it's okay to be afraid but not to give in to that fear. Once you find a new path; push your shoulders back, hold your head high and kick some ass.
I'm not sure what the future holds for us, but I have to believe that we're going to be just fine.
Why did I think life would be one endless interstate road getting me to where I was going then? I knew there would be bumps along the way, I just didn't know that my life would take the complete U turn it's taken this past year. I didn't know I would have to rethink what I wanted and how I was going to get it. I've learned a lot through my journey but the most important thing I've learn is how strong I am and when faced with a hard decision I didn't cave, didn't curl up in a ball. Like Jed Bartlet I just keep asking "What's next".
I don't think it's wise to lay my dirty laundry out on the table for the world to see but I will tell you - I was in a bad place and my marriage was crumbling around me. I tried for several years to put it back on track, I just couldn't do it alone. So after doing all I could to work it out I decided it would be better for all of us to walk away. This is no easy task for a stay at home mom who hasn't worked a full time job in almost 13 years. It all started with a chance run in with a past co-worker, "You know they want you to come back to preschool" she said. And from that a seed was planted and I stared to take it one step at a time, until I had a plan.
In March the kids and I moved into a house 1/4 of the size of my wonderful old Foursquare - god I miss that house. I'm working 3 jobs now and still homeschooling my kids. It's been a hard year for all of us but we are trying to find our new normal, we aren't there yet but we will be. I have to be confident that things will be okay, what choice do I have really? My kids are counting on me and they are watching me, learning from me. I need to show them it's okay to be afraid but not to give in to that fear. Once you find a new path; push your shoulders back, hold your head high and kick some ass.
I'm not sure what the future holds for us, but I have to believe that we're going to be just fine.
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